IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE - Don't Overlook The Obvious

(NOT your typical marriage book)






If only one of you
Works outside of the home, full-time,
How do you imagine that they feel
Answering to others on the job
And then having to follow your rules,
When they come home?

Note: As always, the basic premise does not apply to all couples/ spouses
Okay, you folks who work outside of your home.
Let's begin with the basic premise that we all have at least one boss whom we answer to, every day on the job. - That could mean an immediate supervisor, a management team, even clients/customers (if you deal with the public). And, yes, even entreprenuers have bosses! The ones previously mentioned, as well as the banks with whom you have loans. And, it's often not an easy task, trying to please everyone and follow all of the various rules and regulations at your place of employment.

Now, let's look at the stay-at-home spouse.
You might not have 'bosses', per se, because you are likely the PIC (Person-In-Charge). And whereas you are essentially operating an enterprise with many facets and areas to tackle, daily, you do need to establish rules and procedures. Otherwise, your home would be chaos. And, who wants to add that type of stress to the ones inherent in keeping your home running smoothly for yourself: your spouse, and children, if you have any? (And, let's not overlook possible pets or other live-in's, such as a parent or in-law.)

Besides, with years of experience, you have learned the 'proper ways' to do things. From handling the laundry, cleaning, cooking, food shopping, schlepping the kids, dealing with the butcher, baker, and gardner, to a host of other areas and people. Certainly, no one could argue that yours is a mission critical job, overseeing the effective running of the household!
So, you feel entitled, of course, to... Even obligated to... set rules and policies for your spouse when it comes to areas under your purvue. - Yet, you might seem to face frequent incompetence and hostility from your spouse. Why, when it should be so simple? They simply need to do as you say! And, if your spouse is competent and not openly hostile, you might sense a lack of motivation from them.

Allow me to respond by asking you to put your feet up on the couch, rest your head on a pillow, put on some soft music, and close your eyes. - Comfy? Well, now picture yourself spending the day at your spouse's place of employment. Further, imagine, their typical day, answering to and being lectured at by multiple bosses, customers, suppliers, clients, and... Imagine having to do things when and how your boss requires you to... Even though you might have a more efficient and effective method for accomplishing the intended goal. Picture yourself having to listen to complaining customers who want you to do the 'impossible' or bend rules that you know you shouldn't or do not have the authority to. Now, see yourself fighting rush hour traffic, on the way home. Hoping to relax and unwind, when you walk through the door. To return home to a loving spouse/ children! And, then picture your spouse telling you that you didn't fold the towels the proper way. That you can't relax for 15 minutes, because you need to first cut the grass. Or, change a light bulb. Or, run to the market. Or, being asked why you can't seem to remember that you can't have a snack because it could spoil your appetite for dinner. Or, that you can't work in your study before taking out the trash. Or,...
Is that relaxed, 'a kuna matata' feeling kinda replaced with stress or anger? Did you feel like saying or even screaming, "Hey! You are not my boss! This is my home, too!"?

Well, that could be how your spouse feels, when they come home from a day of answering to many bosses. - Now, I am not at all implying that you are a nag or purposely being a ______. Or, that you, also, did not have an exasperating and exhausting day. What I am suggesting is that your home is supposed to be a shared castle. One where you each have and take responsibilities. One where you are each 'royalty', capable of making decisions and even setting 'policy'.

Now, you could stick to what you have been doing. And, become angry, along with your spouse. And, not have the loving feelings and perks that you so deserve. But, wouldn't 'sharing the power' result in a better time for you? And for your marriage? - Think about it. Really, hard.
Aside from achieving a sense of fairness, there is another reason for allowing your spouse to have a say in house rules and policies: spouses who have a say in the running of their home will tend to take on more responsibilities and the quality of your relationship is apt to improve.



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I loved her for that she was beautiful...
by Philip James Bailey

I loved her for that she was beautiful;
And that to me she seem'd to be all Nature,
And all varieties of things in one:
Would set at night in clouds of tears, and rise
All light and laughter in the morning; fear
No petty customs nor appearances;
But think what others only dream'd about;
And say what others did but think; and do
What others dared not do: so pure withal
In soul; in heart and act such conscious yet
Such perfect innocence, she made round her
A halo of delight. 'Twas these which won me; --
And that she never school'd within her breast
One thought or feeling, but gave holiday

To all; and that she made all even mine
In the communion of love: and we
Grew like each other, for we loved each other;
She, mild and generous as the air in spring;
And I, like earth all budding out with love.


 To My Dear and Loving Husband
by Anne Bradstreet

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were lov'd by wife, then thee;
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me ye women if you can.
I prize thy love more then whole Mines of gold,
Or all the riches that the East doth hold.
My love is such that Rivers cannot quench,
Nor ought but love from thee, give recompence.
Thy love is such I can no way repay,
The heavens reward thee manifold I pray.
Then while we live, in love let's so persever,
That when we live no more, we may live ever.